Okay, this one is going to require a little bit of explanation up front. This is going to be my first photoset that does not contain a single photo taken by me. This is because unlike other meets I've posted photos for, say for example Atlanta, I did not actually attend this meet. I had planned to, and paid for tickets and everything, but unfortunately I had to deal with a serious health issue and fairly major surgery, and therefore had to cancel the week before Con started.

The Monday after Con, I received a text message from Doc Trauma offering/asking me to use his photos to, and I quote, "write your stuff and make up stories." The idea of combining his professional level photographs with my amateurish captions appealed to me immediately, and I (eventually) responded, agreeing to this plan.

So, all the photos you will see here are available in standard uncaptioned form at http://picasaweb.google.com/doc.trauma/ConV#, and are used with the permission of the person who actually took them, so I don't need any cretin letters from aspiring lawyers telling me that I'm stealing someone else's work, thank you very much. The captions, however, are mine, but again, please bear in mind as you read this that I was not actually in attendance and haven't really got a clue what's going on in any of these photos. I didn't even bother to ask, because it's funnier that way, though I do take a few educated guesses. I'm sure I didn't miss the target by that much. *cough*

That said, please enjoy what is, by the standard of my site, a series of uncharacteristically-professional photos with the typical associated insightful commentary. Thank you.

Doc informed me that his photos were posted in the order they were taken, meaning this is the first photo he took there, which suggests the first thing he did upon arriving was check out the women. Good plan, Doc! I'd do the same thing, but then my girlfriend would beat me with the hippo and I'd rather avoid that.

I have no idea who the hell this is but I'm not buying that innocent look for a second.

Mr. Skullhead gives the Evil Eye to someone. I don't know what they did to annoy him, but seeing that look, I'm glad I didn't do it.

This cracked me up. I wonder if it was general principles or if Naners had lost her voice again. (Last time she lost it, it turned up three weeks later in the Lost And Found of a train station in Hoboken. Odd but true.)

I'm sure they're happy to see each other again, but if I didn't know better, I could possibly see this as two people who utterly despise each other pretending to be friendly only because they're required to be.

A conga line, only they're back-scratching. I think it works better if you don't have a glass in your hand, but then again, the person who's avoided that mistake appears to be sneezing out a camera, which sounds worse to me.

"No, no, look, first you push the menu button, and then your menu options come up, and you click on View--no, wait, all that's coming up is 'continuous playback.' Wonder what that means? There's also Set-up. Try that... Now there's an option for Illumination. I don't want that. There's also one called 'AF Illumination.' I wonder what that means. It must be something different or there wouldn't be two options, would there? Well, never mind that. Back out of that, back out. Better. Let's try the button on the top left. No, dammit, not the power button. Turn it back on. I meant that button there. Yes, I did say so! Press the button. There we go. Hm, Power Management, Iso... 'Iso'? What does that even mean? The only option under that is 'Auto.' Why have the option if you can't opt for anything? Who programmed this damn thing? Hell with it, I'll just keep taking photos in 4800x3200. I'm sure I can figure out how to shrink them later."

This looks like an album cover, with maybe just a hint of Dr. Horrible.

Maybe it's just me, but... Is there a single happy person in this photo?

I assume this picture was taken in a mirror. If not that, then I assume Doc Trauma is responding to the current financial problems this country is experiencing by shopping for clothing at a discount seconds store. Or else he's gotten the gold on all the 150 cc cups and has unlocked the Mirror Cup, though that strikes me as a long shot. Doc appears to be concentrating hard on getting this one to come out properly, don't you think?

The line between reality and anime is a bit wider than this, I'm afraid. But nice try.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, the college years.

I understand this picture is already legendary. If it's not, it should be.

He's smiling because he has an edge. He's using a marked deck. It's very useful in situations like this.

Normally I try to come up with some smart-ass thing to say about the photos, but not this one. What can I say? I just like this photo. I think the person in this photo, whoever it is, is what makes this work for me, because this reminds me of a setting where I would sit and become introspective. Not sure that's what's going on here, but there it is. (UPDATE: I am informed by Naners that this is DiscoTHEif. I shall take her word for it, and assume that the non-standard capitalization is also correct.)

I looked at this photo and for a moment I thought it was a Guitar Hero shot and I could fall back on the old standby comment about Guitar Hero being obligatory at meets. Then I looked closer and for a moment I thought it was a real guitar and I could post a compliment about that. Then I looked even closer and saw the drum kit and realized it's a Rock Band shot. Oh well.

Completely unrelated anecdote: When Rush appeared on The Colbert Report,a video was placed on the show's site showing the members of the band agreeing to a request to play the song Tom Sawyer on Rock Band. They're good sports, and agreed to give it a shot. Bear in mind that they wrote the song and have played it on every tour since 1981. How'd they do? See for yourself.

So what should I go with here? An "in the dark" comment? Reflect that a blindfold would be easier but lack the charm? Suggest that she is hiding from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal? Make a reference to a rabbit in the hat? *sigh* And you think writing captions is easy.

This Official KoL Con V Nap Time Break is brought to you by Coca-Cola. Coke: Bite the wax tadpole!

(Yes, I know that story is apocryphal.)

Hester Prynne demonstrates how I like to imagine people react to my captions.

Tealsac's cheery look here, more of a contemptuous sneer than anything, is probably much closer to the reality of the matter.

There were very few entrants in the First Annual Kingdom Of Loathing Child-Drowning Competition. (UPDATE: It occurs to me that KoLumbus is coming up, and last year we got stuck in the hotel at the same time as those beauty pageant lunatics. Food for thought, not that I am suggesting anything...)

Stuff! Gitcher free stuff here! (Best I can do, considering I have no idea what the hell is going on. Remember, I wasn't there.)

Arizona is not completely flat, as is evidenced by some vague hints of topography in the background. I like the clouds here too. Cloud formations look a lot different in flat areas than they do in Pennsylvania. You wouldn't think it would make a difference, but it does.

What the hell is this? It's not a parking lot. The parking lot in the background tips this off. The lights are different from the parking lot lights. Also the light posts are too close together for cars to fit. It's not a sidewalk; the concrete covers enough area to make a parking lot. The entire set-up makes no sense and I don't want anyone explaining it to me because I would rather assume that this was designed by some idiot, as opposed to thinking there's some logic behind it.

I guess the crowd's into it here, but they've got a long way to go before they can rival the crowd at a World/Inferno Friendship Society gig. The one I was at was in a church basement, and a mosh pit formed. Doc took a lot of crowd pictures. I suppose that's the sort of thing that tends to happen when you're in a crowd.

Why are these people playing actual music when there a perfectly good Rock Band set-up in the area?

Dreadlock action photo!

The obligatory Dazz photo. Hi, Dazz! (Has anyone else noticed that people at KoL meets have the best t-shirts anywhere?)

There we go! Now that's more like it. I will refrain from pointing out that someone in the front appears to be trying to catch this individual directly on his crotch.

Doc Trauma, following my meme, takes a picture of someone else taking a picture.

Not to be confused with Teh Club.

Everyone seems to have taken about 100 pictures each of this guy, who has a long way to go before he can compete with Robin Williams in the field of sweating onstage. I'm sure he was very entertaining, though perhaps disproportionately represented in the photosets.

Can you play poker with Trivial Pursuit cards? Might be interesting to try. (I doubt it, though.)

This is illegal in six states. If they were all naked, it would be illegal in an additional thirteen.

Ah, karaoke. The song being sung here is Heart-Shaped Box, in case anyone was wondering.

I'm assuming it was very loud at this point. It's usually not necessary to get that close to someone to communicate, and Sweet Sarnia usually has her glasses arranged better than that.

For the love of god, people, he doesn't look like David Hasselhoff! Stop insisting that he does.

Meanwhile, an entire country away, I was sound asleep under a hippo wearing my glasses. I set it up hoping to give my girlfriend a laugh when she saw it, then promptly fell asleep. She did laugh when she saw it, though, and thought enough of it to take a picture or three (so none of the pictures here are by me, but one of them isn't by Doc Trauma either (Actually, it has been pointed out to me that the photo just above this one appears not to have been taken by Doc Trauma either, judging by the way he appears in it without his camera or any obvious mirroring)). So I didn't get to Arizona and Con V, but I enjoyed my weekend anyway, and that's good enough for me. With any luck, I'll make it next year.